Cheers

It feels like I'm missing out on something. Some piece isn't where it should be, and I wonder what it is. I know it's not because I'm unemployed and not in school anymore, or because I hardly have any cash, I really do wonder.

This weekend was really interesting and a hole lot of fun. Friday contained just me and my beloved getting hammered at the local pub. I told him yesterday that it feels great to have a best friend within him, just as we can kiss and be lubby-dubby, we can laugh, talk, cheer and punch each other. It feels amazing.
Saturday brought us and Joozie towards a friends place for some consuming of alcohol and some partying, and I'm really glad she decided to tag along. The mood was at top, the hostess had a one-on-one with me since I'm in a relationship with her best friend, and it couldn't have gone better. I'm not spilling my guts about what we said to each other, but it ended with "Welcome to the family". Felt like belonging.
There are a lot of people cheering on what I have with my boyfriend, they tell us that you can truly see how in love we are, and how we glow shows the true nature of love. This is right, I have found home.
We have our obstacles sometimes, there aren't many but still, they feel like nothing, they feel like unworthy obstacles.

When I love, I love for life, remember that.

It's done. I've left my university for a different shot of happiness. It feels good really, it's just that it brings so many new worries. But it will work out, just have to put in a little extra effort. I'm just a wee bit scared when my thoughts wander too far away from me.

I just have to say, the thing with x:es, I wonder if it ever will be totally okay between those two persons, you'll always remember what the two of you have been threw, the times you laughed or humped your brains out in sheer passion, but you broke up for a reason. In a way you get over that person, but they have effected you for life, for good or bad.
I don't regret any of my past relationships, they have all brought me a piece of me. And today I'm on a pretty okay/good foot with all of them, but it hasn't been easy getting on that foot with some of them. There are no such thing as a good break-up, but how you handle it is critical.
Lord knows I fucked up some break-ups like a madman, and I've been feeling like the greatest shit until recently when we, 2 years later, just got together to get over it or move on, or whatever our plan was. The man I royally screwed met me with respect and forgave, took a lot of man to do that. Not everyone are as lucky as I was, some people linger on, playing every card to keep the person in their life even if it's to fuck them over. Some things are utterly childish, some things is out of desperation. I feel for them, I've been there, but come on, get a grip of yourself.

There he goes.

One day at the time, one thing at the time. That's the key really, that's the way to get things done. I've always had a hole lot of balls up in the air, juggling, always thought that was the best environment for me, the thing that kept me pushing myself and challenging myself. Yesterday I wrote this 'To-Do-List' for today, and well, I've kinda got it all down now and I'm amazed, I actually did what I needed to get done. Hopefully the next few days, weeks, months will go as planned. Here's hoping.


I have to share, I have to explain the beauty.
The passion, the love, the depth, that man sure is a blessing in disguise. I've never had my body tremble as much as when his hands wander the curves of my body. Every inch of me feels appreciated, feels loved and I feel beautiful. Every moment is so pure and you really knock the wind out of me, and those eyes, I get so utterly lost.

A bird in chains.

Vital has come and gone, the weekend passed really fast and was filled with so much fun. I miss him. I hope his trip left a mark in him, kind of sure it did, but you never know.

School is eating me alive, I'm not sure I think this is fun, it's interesting but is it for me? I want to be in school, that much I know, and I want a degree, just not that sure it's in nursing. With that said, I've applied for two new educations. Let's see where that takes me. It's groundbreaking really, since I haven't applied for school in Malmö, my hometown, where most of all the people I know are, my family are.
I just need to get out of "home" for a while, 3-4 years should account for a while don't you think? I'm not getting anywhere here, I feel stuck and smothered, and I just can't fly anymore, think I forgotten how too.

Broke and broken.

I'm just not so sure about this school thing. Nothing like what I was expecting, it drains me quite a lot. I'm not sure what to do really. I know myself, and I'm not a quitter, but I don't want this to take a hold of me. Been talking to some people that are close to me, but it's the usual "You can make it, just put a little effort! It will be worth it!" or "Well, take a break then and get back on that horse later". Been thinking about this break thing, could that be the way? But in this economy, how easy is it to find a job? And how weak would I be if I needed a break after only a year has passed? There is just so much I want to do, stuff I can't really do if I'm stuck at school, pushing myself to the border. I remember how 12th grade ended, I was burned out, trying to escape anything that demanded effort, it ruined me. I just feel lost sometimes, broke and broken.
Is this something I want? Is there a nurse in me? I was so quick on jumping aboard I think I forgot to feel what I wanted.

A connection

I'm in love.
Those words, they can really make a difference, a change. This is a man I connect with really well, a man I actually trust and feel safe with. It feels really good, it feels like a change in me, he moves me in such a way, can honestly say I never felt it like this before. When he looks into my eyes with those enormous puppy dog eyes I feel my knees tremble, my troubles far away. And when he kisses me it's true, passionate and becomes more than just a kiss, it becomes a connection.
I have a lot of shit to deal with at the moment, and I feel secure enough to lash out when he's around, no pokerface, just me, a human being plain and simple, not a lot of fake smiles or constant thinking. It's amazing. It's genuine. It's completely and utterly scary.

It's me.

Lets try this again shall we, third time is the charm they say.
This time, it's total honesty. Once more I've read through my past and seen it filled with strong comments with no backbone, total wordplay with a agenda behind it.

I'm not going to blabber on about what has happened to me this past year or two, at least not right now. Seems unrelevent at the time being. But reckon it will sneak past now and again. If not, if you know me, you'll probably get what I'm talking about anyway.

This feels good. Writing, this is me.